Hmm, having trouble with consistency and motivation to write at the moment. My stats say it has been a month since I last posted. Really have no idea where that month has gone. Well I do but it doesn’t seem that long!
I do have the fairly good excuse that our house has been on the market but I also know I have been quite happy to hide behind that excuse.
On the upside our house is now sold (four weeks of keeping it looking like a show home!), the renovation of our new house is mostly under control, grand-child #5 has safely arrived, I’ve knitted two baby jumpers, organised another overseas trip, passed my second and third modules on my photography course – so not totally unproductive.
But I do feel vaguely dissatisfied and as though I should be doing something more substantial like going back to work.
Not having to get up to battle the traffic and sit all day in an office is a mixed blessing. When you have more time you are more likely to waste it, or feel like you are wasting it. One of our boys described me as retired this week to tease me; and while I am not retired, I am also not in paid work so I’m feeling a little like I’m not sure exactly how I feel at the moment.
I have several friends who would love to be in the position of not having to go out to work so I often feel a wee bit guilty that I can have this choice as to whether or not I am in paid employment.
It’s not as if my days aren’ t busy! I think I need to adjust my mindset and to see that how I spend my time is worthwhile. From supporting my husband in an insanely busy phase of his job (which means doing all the boring but necessary house admin and organisation), to being there for friends who just need someone to have coffee with them and listen, to spending time with a daughter and daughters-in-law who are at the intense stage of learning how to be good mums, taking grandchildren out for a day – these are all very valid and important ways to spend my days even if they don’t have a pay cheque at the end of them.
I am also working very hard on learning as much as I can about the art and technicalities of photography. It is a commitment to a creative practice that takes up a lot of time, often with not a lot to show for it. I am still learning to accept that an afternoon spent in Lightroom or Photoshop, or out taking shots is not a wasteful use of my time but an investment into a potential future career, or at the very least a hobby that brings joy.
Hopefully I will eventually accept that all these things (including blogging) are not frivolous and self-indulgent but instead part of a new season of being able to pursue the creativity that I never had time to while we were raising five children. I did achieve a lot during that time but had to fight to find the space. I am task-orientated by nature, a recovering achiever and have an over-developed sense of responsibility, so it is very hard to give myself permission to do things just because I enjoy them – it’s a quite a painful process.
Below are a couple of images I took down at Waihi Beach last week – meant getting up with the birds and spending a fair amount of time setting up my camera, but it was worth it. I would never have been able to take these images a year ago! Time to be thankful for this new season and jump into it with joy and purpose and see where it takes me…